There are many times in the human journey that are difficult and frustrating...and then there are times when things sink to a new level of despair, darkness and hopelessness about the purpose of life.  Not fun for a fun loving spirit.

This page is for those times when you doubt God, doubt there is a higher (and worthwhile) purpose to anything, and feel abandoned in a meaningless and mean existence.  This crisis of faith can last days or months or even years or maybe there’s several bouts with some recovery in between; there are no rules, just experience. 

This depth of isolation and despair is known as the ‘dark night of the soul’.  Some people never have a crisis of faith in this lifetime, some have a strong one, and many people have it to their own unique degree.

Everybody hurts

Shedding density is a difficult and confusing struggle. 

We are on our destined re-turn to our true state of peace and unity with All There Is, but there is no getting around the fact it is a long and challenging path that requires some major gumption. 

The dark night feels terrible, especially when there doesn’t seem to be much support or understanding from others.  The path of returning to unity can be very lonely and requires a ginormous amount of faith...which at these times can make you feel like the naive butt of a malicious universal joke. 

You will make it

Sometimes we may feel achingly homesick for our heavenly spirit families where we might dimly remember being wholly loved, accepted and understood.  And for fleeting moments the whole concept of spirit might seem like a delusion to keep us from the fact that we are just mortal humans.

But we are not just mortal humans; we are divine beings having the experience of being mortal humans.

You are choosing to be here...and you are so appreciated by your fellow ascending human brothers and sisters and by the multitude of higher beings assisting us.  When you do get home, there will be huge celebrations in honour of you for your courage, strength and amazing dedication in even being human and especially for living on Earth at this time.

The anger and/or despair dig deep

As my higher awareness grew of what the human experience really is and just how blinkered we have been, I got angry.  I was profoundly aware of the suffering of humanity and felt we were abandoned in this maze of disempowering illusion.

Like so many people, I deeply questioned God/ess for allowing all the suffering of humanity and nature to happen in the name of a so-called glorious duality experience.

I felt betrayed that God deliberately created light and dark because of its creative potential.  Some call it ‘spiritual anger’.  Ah well, as Abraham-Hicks says, anger feels a lot better than despair. 

I felt torn up about my perception that our Creator was using us, the human parts, to experience feeling separate and see what we do.

I knew intellectually that I am one with the soul/spirit having this experience, and that my ego was the one encouraging me to feel separate and victimised, but this inner conflict just made me more confused and angry. 

And because I didn’t know what was going on or that many experience this crisis of faith, I felt like a failure for feeling this way.

How can God allow this?!

Despite enormous and sustained effort, it can seem impossible to find the way back to the freedom of true self.  And then you  might read something ridiculously unhelpful like ‘all limitations and fear are illusion and you just need to let them all go’. 

But the dark night of the soul does serve a purpose in breaking open old crusts and opens your deeper recesses to the light of higher truth...not usually with trumpeting fanfare but in a slower, more subtle and yet very powerful way. 

The good news

The dark night occurs after you make real advancement toward higher consciousness.  It goes something like’ve been on the path for a while, full of deep faith and determination.  But hope starts to wear thin as you find you no longer belong in your old life and yet you feel a fraud for not being able to live in a state of higher consciousness for more than fleeting moments. 

It seems an impossible riddle to free yourself of all the old patterns, beliefs and deep wounds that you’ve now become so strongly aware of; meanwhile your manifestations are inconsistent or non-existent (especially in the most important areas you want to change), and though you try to be loving and accepting you often feel judgemental and irritated.  Bad, bad spiritual person! 

You feel a failure because isn’t this supposed to be all about joy and love and empowerment?  And you ain’t walkin’ the talk.

Your ego can be your friend 

It’s your ego that keeps you in this state but destroying it is not the answer.  It is unrealistic and sets us up for failure because we humans are supposed to have an ego.

Embodying lots of your divinity isn’t much use without your ego to bring it out to share your light with the world.  Your higher self can be in harmony with your ego, but you will need patience and a strong connection to your higher awareness to manage the balance and keep the real You in charge. 

In the meantime there can be a lot of confusion about what is really requiring healing and what is ego stirring up drama and separation to keep you in turmoil. 

Every soul that has chosen to take the fall into separation and physicality by being incarnate in a body must eventually find its way home to the divine state of unity, but it’s the lower ego’s job to keep us separate. 

The lower ego seeks disunity, separation and domination.  This is a microcosm of the Universal macrocosm in that we have within ourselves the universal principles of unity (our higher selves and spirit) and disunity (our ego).  Or just call it light and dark.

The dark night often serves to break the hold of the lower ego because the pain of separation is so strong something has got to give.

And then the paradox enters...the only way to bring unity is to accept the lower without rejecting it, as rejecting it means you are not at one with it.  This is the divine paradox which means that while the Universe IS NOT, still IT IS. 

It seems a riddle sometimes. But in simple terms, it is that the true nature of Source is unity, and within that unity is disunity which rejects unity, although within disunity is unity...and none of that changes that the true nature of Source is unity.  Got it? 

Give yourself a break

Give yourself - including your ego of course - every bit of compassion and patience you can muster.  Being a hard taskmaster on yourself and your egoic reactions is counterproductive.  Love, compassion, patience and faith in the fact you can make it are much more helpful (if not always readily available). 

But for those times you can’t access any patience within you, don’t worry...retreat to bed, watch movies, allow yourself to feel it or distract yourself if you can, and in a while you’ll be more open to compassion. 

When I feel bad about feeling bad, I recall what a teacher of pranic healing and arhatic yoga, Hector Ramos, once said ‘it’s okay to wallow in the mud, but no more than a few days, hokay?’   Love it.

It is a fine balance of allowing your feelings expression and of getting stuck in the mud, especially when feeling shite has your intuition bamboozled.  One good tool is the power of decision to finish up a sad session - ‘it’s over!’ (and then try getting some drive-thru chips and a Coke). 

Sometimes getting yourself out of a hole seems too hard and you need some help from a friend, energy healer, masseuse, intuitive counsellor - whatever works. Sometimes you just need to feel it to heal it.

Accepting (and feeling fondly and humourously where possible) towards the ego seems the best approach. Fighting it means resistance and it’ll give you hell.  Love it into co-operation and reassure it that you can work well together.  You can romance it with some tenderness and understanding, but don’t expect it to succumb to your higher charms over night.  Sometimes tough love will be needed when it kicks up a fuss.

Dawn kind of breaks

I do continue to feel varying levels of frustration but the really dark energies of resenting and doubting the loving intentions of God and my own soul, and of feeling abandoned, victimised and very separate have transformed into acceptance. It took years of full-time self-work to get here and it’s been worth every moment of it.

The depth and quality of a certain level of pain and anger end, but the journey goes on and challenges continue  because we are human.  But we do get so good at handling them with higher awareness and so the suffering is reduced enormously.

You are amazing, you are doing beautifully, you are so loved and supported.

Melanie Hubbard, 2010

Post Script...this is October 2012 and friends, if you’ve read this article you’ll know I truly have felt all the despair for years despite my dedicated work towards healing...but hear this...I have moved beyond it. This has crept up on me this year - there’s been no mega dramatic experience full of fanfare. It’s just happened gradually.

Friends, stick with the work, it does have an end or at least a shift out of the angst. When I look back over the last few years I feel sorry for myself for the suffering and angst I experienced, and so grateful to the me I was then that did that hard work because it took me somewhere worth every second of it. It’s so much like Alanis Morrisette’s song Thank U, it’s about the genuine giving up that only seems to be possible after all the suffering.

This song by Barlow Girl is a compassionate and inspiring companion for anyone who has experienced a dark, that’s everyone. 

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?

Is there still faith in me to reach the end?

I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith

But giving up would cost me everything

So I'll stand in the pain and silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending

That doesn't mean the dark night has no end

It's only here that I find faith

And learn to trust the one who writes my days

So I'll stand in the pain and silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe

No dark can consume Light

No death greater than this life

We are not forgotten

Hope is found when we say

Dark Night of the Soul video from Humanity Healing.

Listen to Eminen

Some of his stuff is pumping with courage, compassion and authenticity, and for me is perfect when I need to hear it straight up and with a real Earthy rawness of what it’s like to be human and having a hard time.  

Like in Not Afraid or Beautiful for example.

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